skeletons in my closet

ACF was pretty enjoyable mainly due to 2 reasons.. one being that I finally could take a break from the taxing NDP work that is honestly taking me waaaay close to the edge, and secondly, I got to meet old frens, and chat to them like in the olden days..

thing was, past skeletons came to haunt me again... this time with CC.

i din understand my abhorance and dislike for someone whom I felt was eloquent, intelligent, and passionate about his job.. but I guess I finally rationalized it during the long hours of "discussion" during ACF.

BRUNEI. the single word that brings back bad memories, bitter emotions that had been buried quickly by the momentary joy of getting to comission soon at that time..

the most painful, miserable night in my life.
i wasn't miserable because it was raining for the whole night and I was shivering beyond any rational thought already, and just huddling, trying to shy away from the leaks in the crude roof Luke and I had built...

i wasn't miserable because my feet were so raw to the point I couldn't let it touch anything, and kept them in Luke's fieldpack...

the pure misery came when I shone the torchlight on my feet, saw the severity of the foot rot, and suddenly came to realise that I might honestly not make it through the 5 days...

the painful decision of whether to continue or not. whether I could honestly make it out of there without any lasting damages to my legs. whether it was honestly worth it anymore.

sometimes it take courage to fight on and continue. but i think it took more courage to give up something that you know is SO within your grasp and let it go on the account that you don't want to harm yourself lastingly.

yet. it was so painful. it was such a struggle. all the thoughts about proving my worth, showing people I could survive the jungle, the notion that JCC was unfailable and the whole pride concept... the thoughts that if I din make through this all the preconceived notions of others that I was weak and not determined would be realised.

and all the training to this day. all the navigation, especially those I led. so all my pals get it whilst I don't!?! Not fair!

yet finally. i realised it was not worth it.

and so the journey back to the camp was as painful as being stuck there. wondering how to face your instructors, PC. especially CC.

after the doctor judged my feet as being one of the worst, and despite me wanting to get back there after one day of rest, the camp commandant refused, and I was officially out of course. my dreams dashed. 20 points I needed became a never-fulfilled gap.

but the horrors didn't stop there.

from now on, it would be a mental torture, inflicted by my very own PC and INSTRUCTORS.

instead of a kind word or two, we were judged as being "mentally-weak" and "unable to take suffering". CC took every attempt to sling a dig at us being weak, be it in his AAR or just his glances at us, the "failures"

then came the ban from eating canteen food, and being forced to eat field rations. they told us "your friends are out there starving and you already can come back! you better suffer a bit with them as well."

... i was boiling inside at the unfairness of the statement. they are SUFFERING for a goal, we were SUFFERING with them... for WHAT!? solidarity!? do we get the badge as well?! NO. so what suffering!?

do u honestly think we fell out cos we wanted to come back camp and slack around and eat food!? if you actually thought so then why not just kick us out of OCS in the first place!?

then came the constant reminders of

"your friends are suffering outside like mad, they're all crying"

"JCC really tests a person's mental strength"

I fumed. I raged. I kept quiet. It was a test of mental strength.

I was disappointed at being so close yet getting cut lose at that point. I was furious with myself for making spastic mistakes at the first part of the journey that allowed myself to develop foot rot. I was disappointed that I had no chance to really push myself and suffer 5 whole days and come out at least saying I had the experience. But I had no chance liao.

but did anyone understand?!

did anyone even bother to try!?

NO. all they cared of was the result, and how we contributed to the glaringly large "failure" group. of how pathetic we are, are we honestly suited to be officers?

this rage could not be let out cos no one around me really understood as well. and when our pals from the jungle came back, it made no sense to complain and act like a complete sore loser. so I swallowed it in, buried it, and helped around with a cheerful face. helping those who got their badge, cos they were too weak. helping my buddy pack his bag and clean up everything of his because he conveniently fell ill completely once he got back.

how ironic isn't it? one person does almost NOTHING for all the navigations, fools around most of the times, takes things easily and yet GETS THE BADGE, then conveniently falls ill and his mess is cleared up by his buddy.

the other person tried his DARN BEST in everything, knowing there was something to prove and something to work for, constantly navigation and trying to lead everyone to the finishing line, yet disastrously gets kicked out and cleans up all the mess and spoils of the victorios people, including his buddy.

skeletons. I still haven't managed to clear them.

dunno whether I'll ever be able to do so.

frank