periods of darkness clouding over

...am i really that terrible a person? or is it truly deplorable that things which seem so taken for granted of a few weeks ago have just completely fallen apart? what has gone wrong?

...to ~prince~...i dunno whether you know how i felt during the whole dex fiasco during J2 but it's just about describes how i am feeling now... the "why do i bother imputing so much energy into maintaining a relationship when this guy just cant put past the competitiveness and childnesses of comparing grades and CCA scores and so on... and just honestly doesn't reciprocate a single bit to what you are doing?"

... i remember the time when we were getting our CCA scores and then that humongous gasp by him when he heard i got A1 and was so darn shocked.. then went around whispering to his chums that "frank got A1 leh! what the hell! for all he did and what i did and he gets A1 as well?!"...

gee.. i dunno was THAT meant for me to be heard? because honestly, that put the most bitter taste in my mouth and all but ended whatever remnants of a friendship i had with you...

those simple words summarised your behaviour, feelings and actions the entire J2 year.. the feeling of losing out to me in results and justifying it with "hey frank's a slacker in CCA and hence got time to study but i canoeist need to train and so on so... yeah.. it's understandable i dun do as well...".. and so when such an excuse falls u.. u naturally feel indignant and well.. yeah... thinks i dun deserve an A1..

so yeah... what dig up such a painful past...when the present might herald similar things...

u see, maybe i have become overly emotionally-dependent this year... and well.. when things fall like that.. it hurts tremendously...

to ~prince~...honestly, you were the best friend i could have had for my JC years.. and well..you set the example on how to be a good friend... how a friend never really lets go of another by tries his best to hold on to what he noes are good friendships.. a friend who will patiently wait and always will offer that shoulder to whomever needs it...

so i'm supposed to wait?... i dunno.. i'm honestly tired with this whole holding on thingy... it's past tired.. its... just very upsetting...

and honestly.. i'm hurt... but i dun want to articulate it, and only through vague terms thrown around can i succesfully vent it on the blog...

honestly ~prince~... you see "far waters cannot quench a nearby fire".. there is little you can do now... we're like literally living in different times, in different worlds... totally different agenda... it's darn sad.. but i've sort of accepted it liao...

poetic justice? what goes round comes around? maybe true... cos i didn't learn to treasure my frens... was always THE receiving end towards relationships... and now its my turn at the other side of the wheel...

wadeva lah huh? i've said enough already... i think when i revisit this entry next time i would think i was mad or emotionally unstable.. but wadeva lah

and speaking abt blogs.. honestly.. i'm starting to doubt this whole idea of having a blog liao.. cos i just seem to open myself to attacks from anonymous people and even get impersonated... this is NOT FUN.. and honestly.. im too emotionally spent up to deal with such things...

plus there's my job to complete this whole dark cloud hanging over me? i honestly do NOT like my job.. i do not like the fact that there's a whole pile of shit waiting for me when i go back to camp and that the vices of my camp reach out and disturb me even whilst i'm on course... i do not like the constant reshuffling of things, the futility of lots of things and most of all... something connected to everything lah

wadeva lah.. so am i bitching? heck man... go somewhere else and hide if u think i am bitching.. no one asked you to look at my blog... GET LOST

frank