world of paradox

it's a real wierd situation now.

i can't decide whether to thrust myself completely back into the army world, be garang and completely interested in my work, stay-in everyday and mingle around with the other stay-in officers whom play badminton to while time away, go to mess and play pool, run around the camp everday, eat cookhouse food 24/7 and save lots and lots of money.

and perhaps be more disciplined and get closer to God.

or should i pull myself back to the civillian world, and commit myself to things that will be of much use to me in the future, like complete my driving lessons, meet up friends at night, research on universities and the likes of it, plan my europe trip and spend more time with my family?

but then i'll be like a really pathetic officer whom everyday really rushing to go back home, cannot really connect with my men and my fellow officers, live an army life filled with much solitude and emptiness.

sigh.

maybe can strike a balance?

be garang at work yet manage to spend time with my family?

being an officer does have priviledges and gives you the freedom to make choices.

but for undisciplined people like me, it sometimes ain't that good a thing.

but hey, maybe that's the lesson to be learnt. to not require external elements to discipline oneself. =)

but ultimately, i really wanna regain the closeness to God that i felt in J2 as well as during my OCS days, where I was literally hanging by a thread in many scenarios and really praying for God's blessings...

fraNK